This was written nearly a year ago, but I wanted to keep it in the new blog because nothing has changed. I’ve only grown more content and confident in my decision that I do not want children. Over the past year, I’ve made other discoveries about myself that I believe would not have been possible had I not come to this realization last year. Despite the title, however, I do not consider myself to be “Childfree by Choice” because I have never actively made any decisions in this. I believe this label is for people who are in a position where children are a possibility and have taken measures to actively prevent parenthood. However, I also feel like there aren’t currently any labels for those who are childfree due to circumstances (like singleness) and don’t feel compelled to make any changes. “Childfree by choice” is the closest thing we have as a society to state that “I don’t have, nor do I want children.”
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My coworkers and I were talking one afternoon when one asked me if I was planning on having or wanted kids.
I didn’t say “yes.”
To be fair, I didn’t say “no,” either. I just shrugged her question off with a “maybe.”
It was not the answer I expected to come out of my mouth.
I always dreamed that one day, I would get married and have kids. I never had a vision for the number of children I wanted. I knew I wanted some biological, but I also dreamed of fostering or adopting. Sure, there may have been outside influence. Growing up, there were always those toys that I had outgrown but were still too special to discard or donate. Those were the ones that were set aside for my future children.
In my second year of college, I switched from an English major to an Early Childhood Education major. This decision was two-fold. I had been working with children for several years at that point; a career in childcare seemed more practical than one as a writer. I also had plans to, one day, homeschool my own children. I thought that a background in education and child development would be helpful.
I watch and help moderate comments on a YouTube channel that has a series on bringing Montessori methods into the home in my free time. I don’t work at a Montessori school. I started watching because I wanted to learn things that I’d be able to apply to my own household in the future.
So, to not answer in the affirmative when it comes to wanting kids surprised me.
Yet, I don’t think this came on suddenly. If I look at my Goals Ideas page in my 2021 Powersheets, there is no mention of marriage or children. Now, that could be explained by the fact that I didn’t want to set a goal like that when I have no control over if I’ll meet anybody (especially since I made that list at the end of 2020). However, there’s also a page in Powersheets where I listed things that “fire me up.”
There was no mention of kids there. I didn’t put anything in the 6- month Powersheets I started using in September of 2020 either.
You would think that one of my so-called biggest dreams would make an appearance in my goal planner.
Now, despite this being one of my biggest dreams, I’ve always had doubts and fears. I struggle with mental illness, and I have a history of growing up with narcissistic family members. The last thing I want to do is continue the cycle with my own children. In fact, one of my biggest fears is that I’ll end up just like my parents.
However, I don’t think this shift is coming from a place of fear.
When I picture my future- or what I want my future to be- there’s an element of freedom. I want to live in a tiny house with my cats. I want to make a living blogging and possibly working as a virtual assistant- something where I can set my own schedule and work wherever I want. I love the idea of being able to pack up and travel without concern for my work schedule (because my job can come with me).
In this imagined future, the only kids are my friends’ kids. Sometimes, I imagine being in a place where they can visit me for an afternoon or a weekend sleepover. Other times, I picture myself visiting them. None are mine to keep.
This vision doesn’t even include a husband. While there’s a part of me that wants to be asked out, it’s only because (aside from high school creeps who only had one agenda) I’ve never been asked out on a date before. I can’t help wondering if something is just horribly wrong with me. I want to be asked out simply for the reassurance that I’m not some monster or freak of nature. However, while I desire to be pursued, I don’t really want to be in a relationship. I want to live ALONE.
Perhaps, this is a form of Obliger rebellion. I’ve always worked jobs that dictated when I was allowed to eat and use the bathroom. When I eat, sleep, shower, and pee at home are often determined by the other members of my household. I have to set my alarm, not based on my own needs for sleep and work schedule, but around my family members’ schedules. Allowing myself an extra 5 minutes in bed can cost me 45 minutes in the morning if someone else gets into the bathroom before me.
Between trying to balance my own schedule and needs around everyone elses’ and working a job with inescapable overtime (despite being told that things would settle down and I’d be working a standard 40 hour week), I’m just tired. I want solitude. I want freedom. Is this newfound thought that I don’t want kids due to burnout because I don’t have any autonomy?
At this moment, I’m somewhat in a place of neutrality. I’m not willing to say I don’t want children, but I’m no longer saying I do. I know things can change over time, and I am fortunate enough to still be in a position where I have time to decide. Perhaps I feel that I’m not ready to have kids yet (which is very much the case). Maybe I don’t want kids ever. Regardless, I don’t think I’ll know the answer for quite some time.
Letting go of a dream I’ve held onto for so long is still hard. Even if it’s not something, I really want anymore, part of me still mourns its loss. It also changes everything. My dream of making an income blogging and working as a virtual assistant was a temporary one. I didn’t want a full-time career. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I was entertaining the idea of my online business as a way to earn a little extra money.
Now, that dream has become more significant. I’m no longer looking at it as a side-hustle or temporary job. I’m looking at it as a career.
It’s a scary thought for someone who struggles with consistency and doesn’t have much of an online following. Can I even do it? Is this dream a possibility, or am I setting myself up for failure?
I’m feeling a loss of identity. My dad used to tell me that the only reason any of my friends even spent time with me was so they could use me for childcare. While I know that’s not true, I am painfully aware that my social life has gone down since my friends have outgrown the need for a babysitter. In church, I always served in the nursery (until I left a few years ago because I wholeheartedly disagreed with a policy that stated that at least one of the adults in the nursery [minimum of two servants] must be a mother). When looking for work, the only people who would interview me were childcare centers and families looking for a nanny.
And I’m not saying that working with kids won’t be part of my future. It’s very possible that one day, I’ll be back to volunteering in the nursery at church once or twice a month. I’m not even saying that I’m never going to have children of my own.
But I’ve definitely lost that passion I once had, and that’s a difficult place to be. However, I’m learning to embrace the fears and hope of a new dream while mourning the loss of an old.